Friday, January 29, 2010

Adventures With Coke - Part 1

Did I ever tell you about my adventure to an alternate reality?

Yeah, it happened when I kicked a can.

It was a Coca-Cola can. He sat on the curb, as I walked down the sidewalk. Obviously homeless, he was empty, crumpled, and smelled as if he hadn't showered for weeks.

And he was naked. That's how I knew he was a he.

Normally, I avoid homeless people. There's something about life on the street, an all-garbage diet, and a lack of internet access that makes a man crazy. But this was a can, so he was pretty short. I was fairly sure I could take him in a fight.

The smug look on his tab spoke volumes of his feelings of superiority. He shouted to me in the raspy voice of a 50-year-old lifetime smoker, "Hey brother! Hey! Hey, listen!" I kept walking. "Hey, hey, look!," he continued. I kept walking.

As I walked away, he shouted, "I'm better than Pepsi!"

My pace was brought to a halt. I turned. I walked back. I could feel the rage building in my testicles (I'm pretty sure that's where rage comes from).

My initial thought was that this Coke was on crack. I once heard that crack rots your teeth out, and this can had no teeth at all. I looked down, pointed a stern finger at his tab, and proclaimed the truth!

"Coke tastes like foot gravy!"

"Oh yeah?! Well Pepsi tastes li-"


I kicked him with the Power of a thousand Rangers and watched him disappear. He vanished almost as quickly as my foot stuck him.

Did you know there was no apostrophe in the title screen of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?" There should have been one at the end of the word, "Morphin," but there never was. Don't believe me? Too bad.

I stood still, watching the sky. I was pretty sure I'd see a twinkle or something. I kinda kick like a beast, ya know?

I saw a twinkle - but it was in front of me, right on the path the can flew. After a few cautious steps, it was within arm's reach. A bright, tiny speck of white light. "I would like to touch this," I stated for the sake of narration, as I reached out my hand.

Before I could touch it (Dang! I really wanted to touch it), it exploded. The tiny speck of light expanded, rapidly, until I was consumed by it.

There was nothing but light - like those tv commercials where there's nothing but actors and white space.

to be continued...


Michael Wells said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael Wells said...

Nice story, but it is clearly fiction... seeing as how Coke is obviously the better soft drink, and is way more sophisticated. Coke would never be caught dead looking like a homeless man on the street. Now pepsi, pepsi is a redneck... and most likely IS a homeless man on the street... but not a real homeless man, one of those fake ones that totally is able to get a real job but that doesn't cause they are lazy.

Trey said...

finish the story...coke owns pepsi hard