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Friday, January 29, 2010

Adventures With Coke - Part 1

Did I ever tell you about my adventure to an alternate reality?

Yeah, it happened when I kicked a can.

It was a Coca-Cola can. He sat on the curb, as I walked down the sidewalk. Obviously homeless, he was empty, crumpled, and smelled as if he hadn't showered for weeks.

And he was naked. That's how I knew he was a he.

Normally, I avoid homeless people. There's something about life on the street, an all-garbage diet, and a lack of internet access that makes a man crazy. But this was a can, so he was pretty short. I was fairly sure I could take him in a fight.

The smug look on his tab spoke volumes of his feelings of superiority. He shouted to me in the raspy voice of a 50-year-old lifetime smoker, "Hey brother! Hey! Hey, listen!" I kept walking. "Hey, hey, look!," he continued. I kept walking.

As I walked away, he shouted, "I'm better than Pepsi!"

My pace was brought to a halt. I turned. I walked back. I could feel the rage building in my testicles (I'm pretty sure that's where rage comes from).

My initial thought was that this Coke was on crack. I once heard that crack rots your teeth out, and this can had no teeth at all. I looked down, pointed a stern finger at his tab, and proclaimed the truth!

"Coke tastes like foot gravy!"

"Oh yeah?! Well Pepsi tastes li-"

"DON'TYOUTALKABOUTPEPSI!"

I kicked him with the Power of a thousand Rangers and watched him disappear. He vanished almost as quickly as my foot stuck him.

Did you know there was no apostrophe in the title screen of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?" There should have been one at the end of the word, "Morphin," but there never was. Don't believe me? Too bad.

I stood still, watching the sky. I was pretty sure I'd see a twinkle or something. I kinda kick like a beast, ya know?

I saw a twinkle - but it was in front of me, right on the path the can flew. After a few cautious steps, it was within arm's reach. A bright, tiny speck of white light. "I would like to touch this," I stated for the sake of narration, as I reached out my hand.

Before I could touch it (Dang! I really wanted to touch it), it exploded. The tiny speck of light expanded, rapidly, until I was consumed by it.

There was nothing but light - like those tv commercials where there's nothing but actors and white space.


to be continued...


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Heidi Montag Falls on Her Brand New Face

You know what I've been listening to a lot, lately?


Apparently, it's the worst album, ever. According to the Neilson SoundScan, Heidi Montag's Superficial sold 658 copies in it's first week.

Seriously, no typo.

I didn't see it coming. A lot of celebrities think they can sing - and a lot of them sell records. Heidi? She must be friggin' magic, 'cause this is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Even sadder than hearing about her recent plastic surgery shopping spree.

Personally, I think the album's a blast. I've been stuck on it, all week. And, honestly, I think her real mistake was making the record without a major record label. According to a very sad interview, Heidi dumped every dollar of her own money into making the album, herself (Ignore the part where she compares the album to Thriller). But, without a label, she had zero promotion, near-zero radio play, and a digital-only release.

She thought she could become a pop star, all by herself. That only shows that she doesn't know crap about pop music.

In conclusion, I present Heidi Montag's "Changes: 2006-2010," a photo montage telling the story of her surgical transformation, set to a track from the new album, "I'll Do It."



For some dumb reason, this was posted on her official YouTube account.


Monday, January 11, 2010

The Dumbness. Bet That Hurt.

Today, I was thinking about this one Sunday, years ago. I was helping out in the children's service, at church. Some kids were playing a game while the rest were cheering them on.

Why don't regular church services have games?

Anyway... this one girl was doing some dumb thing that I can't really remember. I know I thought it was dumb. Whatever it was (we'll just call it "the dumbness"), it ended with her falling on her head and crying a lot. I figure that's probably how it should have ended.

I would imagine at least some teenagers know what to do in a situation like this one. But I had no idea. In fact, I remember standing there, looking around, waiting for some adult to come over and do whatever needed to be done to stop the girl from crying. Instead, what I got from the nearest adult was a, "Well? Don't just stand there. Do something!" look. I swiftly replied with my, "Do I look like I know what to do?" look. She rushed over and took care of the situation.

Let me give you a peak inside my head. I'll tell you what went through my mind when that girl did the dumbness and fell on her head:

That was dumb.
I bet that hurt.

She'll be fine.
She's crying pretty hard, but I can't fix her head.
...How do you fall on your head?

As it turns out, I should have taken the girl to go put water on her head. According to the adult who did that, "water fixes everything."

Apparently water, in addition to the properties I previously noted, possesses analgesic properties, allowing it to serve as an impromptu painkiller in situations such as this.

Who knew?


Friday, January 8, 2010

Mmm, Tasteless! - Drinking Tons of Water

So, over winter break, I heard that most people live in a constant state of dehydration. I'd heard that before and ignored it. But this time, I figured, "What the heck?"

I decided to follow the advice I'd heard, took my weight in pounds, divided it by two, and drank that many ounces of water each day. I have no idea where that formula came from, but like I said, "What the heck?" I've been doing that for almost a we-...

Sorry. Had to pee...

I've done that for almost a week. And what have I noticed?
1. More pee.
2. No thirst.
3. Smoother poops.
4. More pee.
5. Fast food combos only save you money if you want a soda.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

2010 People's Choice Awards!

60 million people voted for last night's People's Choice Awards, and the people's choice was to give Jessica Alba the People's Choice Award for
"World Dominating Looking-Goodness in a Dress."


It was quite a victory. The award was presented by President Barack Obama, himself. Jessica accepted her award graciously, dedicating it to me, and immediately proceeded to tweet me about it.


All in all, a good night.