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Friday, August 20, 2010

My Music Tastes

First I was like

Then I was like


Monday, July 26, 2010

I Don't Think I Could Write A Movie

Not that I'm trying.

I'm not expert in the movie business, but it seems like writers don't have much control. I know I'm only thinking feature films, here, but it seems like the producers and directors have their visions realized. You see the promotions and they're like, "From Executive Producer, This Guy. Directed by That Guy. Starring, These Two." And if those names are big enough, they might not even bother telling you what the story's about.

If you write a story, you visualize everything all in your head. In your mind, you know what the characters look, what their voices sound like, what the environments look like - every single detail. When you write a book, you have to surrender a lot of that to the reader. You know that the readers will build many those things in their own minds, with their imaginations. In film, visuals and sounds are created beforehand. Rooms are rooms, people are people. No more descriptions, show them what you want them to see! I think that's an amazing opportunity for a writer. At least, it sounds like Christmas to me.

But if you hand (read: sell) that script to a producer, it's his movie. He'll choose the director who's gonna shoot things the way he thinks it should be seen. He'll read that script and visualize things his own way. Producers, directors and actors are what drive people to the theaters because they're what's recognizable.

Take a director with a signature style, like Tim Burton. I don't know how anyone could ever hire that guy. I'm not saying his movies are bad, but I can't imagine how the tiniest sliver of anyone else's vision could survive! Every film he directs becomes his. That's going to happen with any director, though to a lesser degree. It has to. He's not the writer.

Robert De Niro, as himself.
And the actors. They wanna be stars. They're going to play towards their strengths and try to shine. God forbid you get an actor who's typecast. If they cast Bruce Willis or Robert De Niro in the movie, you can take whatever character profiles you had and burn 'em.

Let's not forget about sex, violence and comedy. Unless you're James Cameron, you've gotta excel in at least one (probably two) of those areas to make bank at the box office.

I just don't think I could ever hand over a script without being in charge. But how often is the writer also the producer and director of a feature film? It's not too often that one person is given that much power.

I guess if you wrote a screenplay and you felt like me, you'd either have to shoot it yourself, or make good friends with the director. It's probably good that I won't be in those shoes.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

AHH SKEE-! ...*ehem*

I loved to watch older people reminisce over music. It's beautiful. Mom and Dad break out the records and look back upon years of fun, remembering the good old days.

Take, for instance, Earth Wind & Fire's Fantasy. It's one of their favorites.


Yeah. You can totally see my parents sitting in front of the record player, swaying and such.

What's gonna be funny is when I'm riding in the car, with my kids, and a song from my high school years comes on the radio. It should be fun explaining to them that I was young then, and times were different.


Times do change... Skeet skeet.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How Do You Like the Casserole?

Know what I hate? (You should. It's most of what I blog about.)

I hate when people ask me if I like a new food or drink, the second it hits my lips.

You've been there. You take one bite, and before you can pull the fork out of your mouth, "Well? What do you think?" I think I'd like to swallow this before take the stand!

Even worse is when you haven't even tried it, yet. I mean, excuse me if that freaky fungi-lookin' stuff wasn't the first thing I put it my mouth. They don't care. When you tell them, "Oh, I haven't tried that, yet," they're like, "Oh really? Well, take a bite now. I'll watch."

Bid mistake. If I have to look you in the eye and tell you that your green bean disasterole tastes delicious, you're gonna see right through it. Especially if my tongue is still trying to contact FEMA.

Don't get me wrong. I understand how you feel. It must have been hard work getting a live meerkat into a blender. You want to see my face light up as the village is raided and the riots begin. But now is not the time. You've gotta give me a minute to choke it down and think of a good lie. Otherwise, all you're going to get is a, "It's, uh...," while I probe the rest of your abomination for hidden anti-mutagens.


Monday, May 24, 2010

Everything's Gonna Be Okay

I am aware that people don't know the future. I'm also not four years old. So when someone says to me, "Everything's gonna be okay," I can't help but roll my eyes and wonder why they take me for a fool.

Where did that come from, anyway? 'Cause it seems like you only hear it from people who have absolutely no idea. It's the go-to line for when you can't think of anything that's actually encouraging. "It's gonna be okay. I promise."

Well, f I'm afraid, I want encouraging facts, not the empty words of an optimist. If I'm sick, I don't want, "I know you can beat this," I want the percentage of people in my condition who pull through. And if that's not a comforting number, maybe I don't have too much of a reason to be hopeful.

Faith in God, I understand. Faith in established trends, I understand. I can even understand faith in a person. But faith in nothing? Hope, simply because what you wish for is possible? No, I'm afraid I lack the capacity, for that.

I guess that's why I worry so much...

You remember those Calvin & Hobbes comics, where Calvin would explain a deep revelation to Hobbes, while they rode a wagon or sled to their doom?


There were a lot of those...


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's Where My Butt Landed?

My future lady is in for a surprise. One day, she's gonna walk into the room and find me watching tv. What she won't expect, is to see me seated on the floor with my back against the couch.

Soon after, she'll walk in and find me in front of the tv, sprawled across the carpet (we have to have carpet in front of the tv). It's an old habit I picked up from my dad. Why does he do it? The best reason I can think of is that it's because he grew up with more siblings than could fit on a couch.

In either case, she will likely ask me why I'm on the floor, in front of an empty couch. How will I respond? I came up with some ideas...

"Just fell. Lil' help?"

"I was saving the couch for you."

"I farted. Heat rises. Gotcha. You're it."

"I'm playing couch. Have a seat."

"Well, I was waiting on that vacuum." *side-eye* "But I see you don't have it with you..."

"Girl, you don't feel the feng shui I just did?"

"Upskirts."

"Dag you nosy!"

"I was coppin' a feel. This is nice carpet."

I bet it's no big deal. She probably won't care. Who knows, maybe she'll join me, and we can be like the happy young couple I found when I googled "laying on carpet."


I Need to Get a Life

Seriously. I'm lame.

When I come home from school, I usually work. This summer, I'm stretchin' my money like a mug. In turn, I do absolutely nothing. I spend entire days in my pajamas, sitting on the computer, playing Pokemon, and consuming massive amounts of junk food (White Castle and chicken nuggets, anyone?). And when I do go out, it's rarely for a good reason, but rather because I know I don't go anywhere.

I'm vegetating, and I know it. I am slowly becoming less of a human being, and more of myself in high school. Funny thing is, I lose weight while I do it (Ha!).

There's something about this house. I lose all motivation for anything, when I'm here. I don't know if I've ever felt less cool. But no, I don't play video games with my grandma. I just like that picture.

Maybe I need a hobby...

...could hunt dogs...


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Retaliation

Why are we so quick to retaliate? What is it in a man that gives him gratification in seeing a wrongdoer suffer? It's funny how someone's actions infuriate us, and our instinctive solution is cause that person pain. Like when someone punches you in the arm. You'd probably swing back, without even thinking.

Is it justice we want? Do we believe that the offense knocked the universe out of whack and that putting our offender through the same discomfort will somehow set it all straight? Or is it all just about watching them hurt?

Maybe, deep down, some of us just like to hurt people, and they're waiting for an excuse.


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Note to Self #1: Be Who You Want

Are you who you want to be?

Who do you want to be? This you should know. Who do you admire the most? You know, that person you think is awesome? The one you wish you could be?

Yeah. That person is probably a lot like the person you want to be.
So be that person.

Do it.

"Be" is a verb, right? An action. And a person, what is that? A person is a body and a list of actions. Yeah, yeah, there's thoughts, feelings, ideas, beliefs, loves, fears - whatever. Your ideal self wouldn't conflict with those things, so don't worry about them.

Act like the person you want to be, and that is who you will be.

You wanna be the _____ type? The kind of person who always _____ and never _____?
Do what they do, because that's what defines who they are.

Stop wishing.


Monday, March 8, 2010

With a Little Bit of Gold and a Pager

I'm in the market for some new clothes. Actually, I'm looking to upgrade my entire wardrobe. I even got a couple pairs of skinny jeans, yesterday. Before, my closet contained one pair of khakis, one pair of shorts, and about ten pairs of carpenter fit jeans. So, skinny jeans were quite a shift.

To be truthful, I'm too skinny for skinny jeans to fit the way skinny jeans fit. And slimmer fits like "super skinny" and "skinniest" look and feel, well, really gay.

YES

HAHA


I'll be picking up new button-ups, new shoes, new everything. I'll let you know how it goes.

Photo credits: Internet


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Day

I think I waste too much time.

In fact, I'm sure of it. My typical weekday schedule looks like this:

1. Do something important
2. Waste time
3. Do something important
4. Waste time
5. Go to bed (maybe)

My weekends look about the same, minus the important stuff. At least I'm working, again. Paychecks feel productive.

I hardly write anymore. My blog is rotting, my stories are unfinished... And just now, as I'm writing this, I remember that I wrote a "Part 1" to a story, in a previous entry.

Whoops.

I guess I oughta get on that...
I think I need to keep my eyes open for topics that will inspire me to write. Something.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Adventures With Coke - Part 1

Did I ever tell you about my adventure to an alternate reality?

Yeah, it happened when I kicked a can.

It was a Coca-Cola can. He sat on the curb, as I walked down the sidewalk. Obviously homeless, he was empty, crumpled, and smelled as if he hadn't showered for weeks.

And he was naked. That's how I knew he was a he.

Normally, I avoid homeless people. There's something about life on the street, an all-garbage diet, and a lack of internet access that makes a man crazy. But this was a can, so he was pretty short. I was fairly sure I could take him in a fight.

The smug look on his tab spoke volumes of his feelings of superiority. He shouted to me in the raspy voice of a 50-year-old lifetime smoker, "Hey brother! Hey! Hey, listen!" I kept walking. "Hey, hey, look!," he continued. I kept walking.

As I walked away, he shouted, "I'm better than Pepsi!"

My pace was brought to a halt. I turned. I walked back. I could feel the rage building in my testicles (I'm pretty sure that's where rage comes from).

My initial thought was that this Coke was on crack. I once heard that crack rots your teeth out, and this can had no teeth at all. I looked down, pointed a stern finger at his tab, and proclaimed the truth!

"Coke tastes like foot gravy!"

"Oh yeah?! Well Pepsi tastes li-"

"DON'TYOUTALKABOUTPEPSI!"

I kicked him with the Power of a thousand Rangers and watched him disappear. He vanished almost as quickly as my foot stuck him.

Did you know there was no apostrophe in the title screen of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?" There should have been one at the end of the word, "Morphin," but there never was. Don't believe me? Too bad.

I stood still, watching the sky. I was pretty sure I'd see a twinkle or something. I kinda kick like a beast, ya know?

I saw a twinkle - but it was in front of me, right on the path the can flew. After a few cautious steps, it was within arm's reach. A bright, tiny speck of white light. "I would like to touch this," I stated for the sake of narration, as I reached out my hand.

Before I could touch it (Dang! I really wanted to touch it), it exploded. The tiny speck of light expanded, rapidly, until I was consumed by it.

There was nothing but light - like those tv commercials where there's nothing but actors and white space.


to be continued...


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Heidi Montag Falls on Her Brand New Face

You know what I've been listening to a lot, lately?


Apparently, it's the worst album, ever. According to the Neilson SoundScan, Heidi Montag's Superficial sold 658 copies in it's first week.

Seriously, no typo.

I didn't see it coming. A lot of celebrities think they can sing - and a lot of them sell records. Heidi? She must be friggin' magic, 'cause this is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Even sadder than hearing about her recent plastic surgery shopping spree.

Personally, I think the album's a blast. I've been stuck on it, all week. And, honestly, I think her real mistake was making the record without a major record label. According to a very sad interview, Heidi dumped every dollar of her own money into making the album, herself (Ignore the part where she compares the album to Thriller). But, without a label, she had zero promotion, near-zero radio play, and a digital-only release.

She thought she could become a pop star, all by herself. That only shows that she doesn't know crap about pop music.

In conclusion, I present Heidi Montag's "Changes: 2006-2010," a photo montage telling the story of her surgical transformation, set to a track from the new album, "I'll Do It."



For some dumb reason, this was posted on her official YouTube account.


Monday, January 11, 2010

The Dumbness. Bet That Hurt.

Today, I was thinking about this one Sunday, years ago. I was helping out in the children's service, at church. Some kids were playing a game while the rest were cheering them on.

Why don't regular church services have games?

Anyway... this one girl was doing some dumb thing that I can't really remember. I know I thought it was dumb. Whatever it was (we'll just call it "the dumbness"), it ended with her falling on her head and crying a lot. I figure that's probably how it should have ended.

I would imagine at least some teenagers know what to do in a situation like this one. But I had no idea. In fact, I remember standing there, looking around, waiting for some adult to come over and do whatever needed to be done to stop the girl from crying. Instead, what I got from the nearest adult was a, "Well? Don't just stand there. Do something!" look. I swiftly replied with my, "Do I look like I know what to do?" look. She rushed over and took care of the situation.

Let me give you a peak inside my head. I'll tell you what went through my mind when that girl did the dumbness and fell on her head:

That was dumb.
I bet that hurt.

She'll be fine.
She's crying pretty hard, but I can't fix her head.
...How do you fall on your head?

As it turns out, I should have taken the girl to go put water on her head. According to the adult who did that, "water fixes everything."

Apparently water, in addition to the properties I previously noted, possesses analgesic properties, allowing it to serve as an impromptu painkiller in situations such as this.

Who knew?


Friday, January 8, 2010

Mmm, Tasteless! - Drinking Tons of Water

So, over winter break, I heard that most people live in a constant state of dehydration. I'd heard that before and ignored it. But this time, I figured, "What the heck?"

I decided to follow the advice I'd heard, took my weight in pounds, divided it by two, and drank that many ounces of water each day. I have no idea where that formula came from, but like I said, "What the heck?" I've been doing that for almost a we-...

Sorry. Had to pee...

I've done that for almost a week. And what have I noticed?
1. More pee.
2. No thirst.
3. Smoother poops.
4. More pee.
5. Fast food combos only save you money if you want a soda.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

2010 People's Choice Awards!

60 million people voted for last night's People's Choice Awards, and the people's choice was to give Jessica Alba the People's Choice Award for
"World Dominating Looking-Goodness in a Dress."


It was quite a victory. The award was presented by President Barack Obama, himself. Jessica accepted her award graciously, dedicating it to me, and immediately proceeded to tweet me about it.


All in all, a good night.