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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Most Movies Suck! ...Yeah, I Said It

I've openly admitted "I have the movie tastes of a 13-year-old boy." It's true for movies and it's true for television, and I've often wondered why. Maybe I'm immature. Maybe I'm heartless. Maybe I'm the only sane person left on Earth and everyone else is amused by crap. One thing's for sure: There aren't many movies that entertain me. I've recently realized that if I stopped going to movies with friends for the sake of being with friends, I'd go to the theater two or three times a year.

My plan for 2009: "Star Trek," "Transformers 2." A few other movies look interesting, but not enough for me to make an effort to see them. And it's not that I don't care for movies, either. I'm a "talk about the movie for six months, see the midnight showing even if it means going alone, probably go back twice" type of guy. I'm just picky.

I've often said that if a movie's not exciting or funny, it's not entertaining. Well, I often think it, anyway. I understand that's not how most people see it, but I can't get behind most of the other stuff - it bores me out of my mind. But now, I've realized that even most of the movies that people people find funny and exciting make me wanna facebullet.

While I could be positive and write about movies that I love, I've decided to rant for a bit and talk about the movies I hate most. If you're going to sit me in front one of these movies, do me a favor - just kick me in the nuts and call it day. It'll be a lot less painful for me and it'll save time for both of us...

The "man runs with gun" movie
A police officer, secret agent, spy, mobster, soldier, or retired one of the above finds himself in a "web of deception" which leads to approximately 120 minutes of angry-face dialogue, foot chases, missed gunshots, fists slamming on tables, an exploding car, at least one police interrogation, and the hero finding out his wife/girlfriend is tied up somewhere.
These movies are easy to spot and avoid as they're invariably indicated by a man running with a gun in their trailers and commercials.

The "normal kids in an awkward situation" comedy
Typically "buddy movies," these films find a totally normal teenager and his or her friend(s) in an everyday situation such as boredom, a party, high school, being broke or just Friday, which leads to a not quite extraordinary adventure full of painfully awkward conversations, run-ins with goons, cops, gangsters or all of the above, chaos in a convenience store, and someone losing their virginity. Now, to be fair, the 80's and 90's were full of awesome movies like this (far too many to count), but as of late, it seems that someone sucked the funny out of all of them and pumped them full of "aw, that's cute."
Spare me.

The "triumph of the human spirit" movie
Yes, she's gonna die.

The "Academy Award-Winning Drama"
Often "man runs with gun" or "triumph of the human spirit" movies, these films find real people in a real-life, yet uncommon situation. The story revolves around some who plays a musical instrument, competes in a sport, goes to war, is poor, is gay, is retarded or has cancer. Someone watches the sun set. Someone dies. Someone has uber-dramatic sex. I slip into a catatonic state.

The "horse and sword" movie
Some genius decides to take life, strip away everything cool - ever - and make a movie about horses and swords. Happens all the time.
What to watch for in the trailer: Epic music, a man yelling the word "war," people riding around on pets and dueling with primitive weapons. If you're having trouble visualizing it, it looks like this:
It's no wonder they like to put magic in those movies...

The horror movie
I really don't have much to say here. If a horror movie isn't scary, it's just boring. If it is scary, then it's scary, and I just don't see how that's fun.


Of course, as with everything else in life, nothing is set in stone. There's always the "coolness" factor. Any movie of any genre can be "cool," and for that reason I'm sure I could find some movie I like from each of those categories. But as a general rule, these are the types movies I try to avoid.

What kinds of movies do you hate?


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