Saturday, April 11, 2009

If I Were Rich And Famous...

Just some thoughts of things I would do if I were rich and famous.
Let's see... I could...

Fund/support a sequel movie that probably wouldn't be made otherwise. Bill & Ted 3, The Last Dragon 2, a Sliders movie...

Write a book. Even if it sucked, people would buy it.

Weasel my way into the next Ninja Turtles movie. I wanna be a pizza delivery guy or something.

I'd have an office, even if it wasn't necessary, and I'd hire Pam Beasly as my receptionist. And I don't mean that I would break reality and hire a fictional television character, but that I would pay the actual actress, Jenna Fischer, enough to quit "The Office" and become my real-life receptionist. I'd hang out in my office all the time, listening to music and playing video games. My office would have a window with no blinds, so when I told Jenna I was to busy to see someone, that someone would be able to see into my office to know that Playstation is more important than they are.

Hang with Vanilla Ice. ...Heck, I could probably do that now...

Laugh all the way to the bank.

Hang out with Pauly Shore at The Comedy Store.

I'd fly all my friends out to party with me in LA. I'd take them out to the hottest club where I'd get into an intentional argument (and subsequent fistfight) with a famous, yet harmless rapper (like Soulja Boy or Bow Wow). Then I'd have my body guards rush all my friends out the back exit and drive them back to the hotel where they'd sit and wonder if I was okay.
I would return, hours later, bloodied and bruised, clothing tattered, and simply say, "I'm sorry you guys had to see that..."

Slap Timbaland for ruining Nelly Furtado. Plus, you know, he just seems like a douche bag...

Hire a cook so I can have a fridge full of drinks and condiments like the guys on MTV Cribs.

Buy absolutely everything from the merchandise stores of every band/musician I love.

Go to the "New Moon" premiere - and heckle it 'til I get thrown out (shouldn't take long).

Run for President. It'd take a ton of deception for someone as conservative as myself to win, but it'd be worth it so I could turn crap around.

Host a late night talk show where I talk frankly with the guests, telling them how much they suck as an actor or how lame their last album was. If the musical guest sucked, a "Showtime at the Apollo" siren would sound and a tap dancing clown would come out with a cane and drag them off-stage. Of course, celebrities would stop coming on the show and I would be reduced to ranting over a laugh track, and eventually to YouTube.

Wait 20 years, then start a sitcom. ALF crash lands at Jim and Pam Halpert's house and lives with their family. ALF and Jim? Imagine the dialogue!

Go on The Oprah Winfrey Show and wear this shirt:


Brad said...

I don’t know if that is Hilariously Brilliant or Brilliantly Hilarious.

But either way… Kudos my man.

Amber said...

weird that almost all of those things are also on my to do list. especially having a cribs refrigerator.