Sunday, March 29, 2009

What the #!%$ Sheetz?!

Yesterday, I stopped at Sheetz on the way to work. I ordered a croissant with bacon, egg and cheese, a hash brown (is it singular if it's just one chunk?) and a cup of coffee. I got my food, got in the car and left.

As I took my first bite, I was reminded of a story...

Somewhere out in the vastness of space, light-years away, exists a planet inhabited by a sentient, intelligent race of beings much like ours. On that planet, lives a man named Charlie. Charlie was a single guy with no friends and no family of his own. He worked a mindless desk job, saving money, so he could move out of his parent's house. Until today.

Charlie was fired. Fighting tears, he packed all his belongings into a box and left the office. As he stepped outside the building, he received a phone call from his father. "I don't know how to tell you this," Charlie's father said, "so I'll just say it. Charlie, your mother passed away this morning and I have a terminal cancer." Charlie dropped his phone and his box of office supplies on the sidewalk, fell to his knees and wept by the side of the road.

As Charlie wallowed in misery, a small girl walked around the corner. The girl looked to be about six years old and wore a pink dress with an enormous white bow on the back.

She stopped, looked at Charlie. "Hey mister?," she asked with a black stare, "Why are you crying?" Charlie struggled to regain his composure before replying, "My mother's dead... my father, my father is dying and I- I just lost my job."

"Gee, that's too bad," the girl replied with a typical, childlike lack of concern. She glanced up, then down the sidewalk, teetering back and forth on her heels and toes. "I have an idea!"

Charlie, still on his knees, looked into the girl's eyes with sheer desperation. He had nothing, and while this little girl didn't seem to understand his pain, deep down in the pit of his soul, a part of him prayed that maybe, just maybe, what this small child had to say could offer some semblance of relief. Perhaps a childish proverb, maybe even a joke. Something that could bring him a smile, even if only for a second.

"Here!," the girl squealed giddily as she reached behind her back. She pulled out a small handgun, shot Charlie in both knees, stomped him in the nuts, slapped him twice, took his wallet and skipped away.

Charlie never made a sound. Eyes wide, and mouth gaping, he sat in a pool of his own knee-blood. With nothing left in the world, Charlie turned his eyes to the sky. And just as he did, the clouds covering the sun began to part. A shimmering ray of light broke through the clouds and shined down on Charlie. As the warmth washed over his face, Charlie actually began to feel a bit better. I mean, his knees hurt like hell, and so did his nuts, but he found something comforting to grasp onto. Charlie knew that no matter what happened in his life or the world around him (or to his nuts), he would always have the glorious, majestic sun that comfort him.

Then the sun exploded.

That's what it felt like when I realized Sheetz forgot my effing bacon!

Seriously Sheetz, wtf?


Anonymous said...

...I want to marry you... lol that was awesome, did you write that? oh yea PS Sheetz sucks

Michael Wells said...

dude... i really don't know what to say... i'm astounded... taken a back... i have just decided that i am making an award for spontaneous literary excellence... i'm calling it the SEXY MAN CHRIS award, and my son, you are the first to receive it. Congratulations.

Beans Shadow said...

in a totally manly way.

Todd said...

That's hilarious!

Anonymous said...

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