Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Why I Don't Have A Dog

This is one of the few times I could pose the question, "what's the point?" and genuinely not know. Millions of Americans have pet dogs, so there must be something to it. Is it playing with the dog? Is it companionship? Or is it the godlike feeling of having a creature's life in your hands?

Now, when I was in third grade, my parents thought it would be nice to get me a dog. My mother brought it home, one day, as a surprise. I was ecstatic! My own dog! He lasted a couple weeks before my parents decided to give him away. I don't even remember his name - or even it's gender. See, it didn't take long for me to realize that the dog was nothing but work. "He" (still assuming) needed to be fed, cleaned up after, etc. And the fact of the matter is that I didn't like the little guy too much.

All he did was bark, poop, pee and vomit. Fun times. I guess if I had trained him well, he would have learned to bark less, pee and poop outside and re-ingest him own vomit. But what are the pros?

Dogs are naked. They run around everywhere, romping in the dirt in their naked bodies, then they want to run around the house, lay on the furniture and shed hair? In my house? Forget that! And that's not enough for them. Dogs always want to be on you, too. I'm sorry, but "animals" and "on people," don't mix, in my book. And I certainly don't want them licking me. Dude! Do you realize that dogs let their nuts hang out in the open? They drag those jokers around outside, too. Then they lick their nuts. Then they lick you. Will pass.


Don't get me wrong, I did my duties, but it just wasn't worth it. All the little bugger did was make noise and make messes, neither of which I was fond of. And I didn't like playing with him. Sure, I would take him outside and throw sticks. He would bring them right back, too. Yay... If I ever accidentally threw a stick that I really needed, I'd have a way to get it back without walking to it. If I was lucky, I could pick the stick up before the little guy touched me.

And, of course, there is the argument of companionship. A dog as a companion. Tell me, whose life sucks so bad, that they get excited to see a dog? I can just see it, Jimmy gets home from a hard day's work, opens the door, and a dog runs up to greet him. "Yay! Doggy! I'm so glad to see you! You're my buddy!" Jimmy allows the dog to practice nut-licking on his face. Meanwhile, the dog's thinking, "Food man, food man! Food please?! I pissed your couch! Food?" I think I would rather be lonely than to know that it's an animal that makes me feel needed.

Now, I was one told that if I didn't want to take care of a dog, I would feel the same way about a baby. I beg to differ. Babies are people. They grow to be children, teenagers and adults. I see the difference.

I don't know where it came from, but people somehow got the idea that dogs have souls or that they feel and express love. They protect and comfort their providers, like those pain dogs that lick your face when you start seizing. Is that love? Some would say so. I'd call it instincts. Dogs naturally protect their providers. They can also be trained to do a lot of things, too. And they know where the food comes from. I guess I'm just one of those crazy creationists that believe God made people and God made animals, He gave one dominion over the other, and that the two don't have much in common. I see no reason to think that dogs are special animals or that they're any more of a "higher being" than rats and roaches. And unless your dog is doing something for you, I don't see the point of keeping one around. The way I see it, people just want to be cared about, and some people convince themselves that an animal can do that.

But hey, if you want to keep a dog, that's fine. If you find joy in being licked and jumped on, have a ball. Just don't expect me to play with it when I come over. To me, it's still just a piss/poop/fur machine - and I don't see any reason why you'd let in your house.

I'm sure there are dog lovers out there that would tell me, "you just don't know," or "you haven't had a dog long enough." And to them I say:

I've seen your animals. I've seen what they do. I'll pass.

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