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Sunday, November 30, 2008

My Full House

It's been a while, but I've been busy. Especially the last couple of days...

I found out shortly before I came home from school that I would have family in my house for the entire Thanksgiving Break.

hoo
ray...

Ok, so, my parents' families both live in the same area. So on Thanksgiving, we see everyone in one day. but this year, my mom decided she wanted to have Thanksgiving at home. Her family was cool with it. My dad's family has firm Thanksgiving traditions, so there was no point in inviting them. So I was faced with the choice of either leaving my parents and spending Thanksgiving with my dad's family, or staying and seeing Mom's side.

Turned out, my mom's family wouldn't be able to gather until Friday. So Dad and I left Wednesday morning and headed to his mother's house for Thanksgiving. My mother's parents came to our house Wednesday and Dad and I came home Thursday night, after dinner.

Friday's when the fun started. Black Friday shopping. I. Love. Black Friday. I didn't even need anything, although I did get a good deal on a memory card for my phone. I just like the crowds. Black Friday, Christmas Eve - I'll be at the mall, Best Buy, WalMart and anywhere else I expect crazy crowds. It's fun. Dad finally got a Blu-Ray player.

My mom's side of the family showed up Friday afternoon and evening. By nightfall, there were a total of 13 people in the house. that's 10 guests. Friday was fun. Grandma had a movie moment and initiated an impromptu talent show. There are a lot of singers in my family. And a couple comedians.

Saturday, I needed a break. I go crazy when I'm around people too long. I spent all of Wednesday and Thursday with my dad's family and all Friday with my mom's. I just wanted a day that I could walk around my house, do whatever, and not have people talking to me and asking questions. I wanted to eat cereal and read Calvin & Hobbes in the kitchen for an hour or two. I wanted to watch movies with the 5.1 audio booming. I wanted to sleep until I felt like getting up. You know, all the things I'm used to doing in my own home.

I had to leave saturday and go out. I just went to the mall (my favorite place to escape) and walked around for a while. I love my family, I just start feeling smothered after a while. I foound out a lot of my gift ideas were way too expensive. I also had a terrible drink called a "Gingersnap Latte." Avoid it.

I came back just in time for the festivities. What festivities, you ask? Oh, just my grandparents 50th anniversary. Yes, yes, dressing up and dinner and such. Fun times. Wah wah wah.

About have our guests left tonight. The rest leave tomorrow. I just hope I can glean a couple of hours to myself before I have to leave for school...


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

"Hey, I Like Your Backpack." "Yeah."

It bums me out that I'm so ridiculously shy. It really seems like I will never get over it. It's like everyone I know and every friend I have has fallen into my life. If you're not a friend of a friend, I'll never meet you. Even if you introduce yourself to me, I'll manage to leave the conversation without as much as your name, much less any way to contact you again. People say "You just need to put yourself out there." You might as well tell me to "just build a house." I watch people, thinking about what I'd say if I could just talk to them. Not just girls, either. I see people with a cool shirt or talking about something I'm interested in. I'd like to throw out a complement, or something. It's like I'm not capable of it. My lips just won't move.

When I'm out and people I don't know speak to me, it's like I go into shock. In my mind, I panic. I answer their question or respond to their comment in one word, like "yeah," "hey" or "thanks." It's like I've been thrown into traffic and I'm just I'm scrambling to get out of the street.

I dunno, it's just me. No one is gonna be able to change me, but me, and that's probably not happening.

And I swear, if anybody posts something like "you just gotta suck it up and do it," I'm gonna delete it. I'm so tired of hearing it. It's not that easy.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Friends

Friends are amazing, aren't they? How awesome is it that God has given us the ability to create bonds with each other that are as strong as blood? We can turn acquaintances to family. You start off just spending time with someone, having fun and goofing off. Before you know it, you're taking care of each other, providing for one another and defending each other, when need be. You would work to help each other. You would give of yourselves so that the other could have. You would fight for each other. It's an incredible capability we posses to create these bonds, because, when you think about, where would we be if we didn't have each other?
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I'm considering posting more frequently, with shorter posts like this one. Tell me what you think.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Music, Pencils and English

I'm getting the impression that everyone thinks I'm all about Pop music. I guess I talk about Britney Spears too much. Let me just go on the record and say that Pop and Dance music, together, makes up about 1/6 of my music collection. I just checked. I've got 3 times as much Rock and Metal. I just don't want you guys thinking I don't rock out, just because I claim MJ as "the best there ever was." I've also taken the liberty of posting some videos from some of my favorite rock bands.
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So, I walked back from class the other day without my glasses. It was such a beautiful day. I walked past the intramural field and just stopped. I really hate that my lenses are "transitions" (meaning they tint in the sun). On a nice, sunny day I have to either walk around with tinted lenses or impaired vision. I can't enjoy the sunlight.

I think I may finally be convinced to get contacts...
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The other day, I forgot my pencil on test day (blasted bubble sheets!). I had to borrow a pencil, which I hate to do. I'm afraid I won't finish my test before the person I borrowed the pencil from. I hate to borrow a pencil and have the person leave before I can return it. For one, it sucks for them to hand over a pencil, knowing they will probably never see it again. Also, last time, it took me over a week to find the person I borrowed the pencil from. I could hardly remember what she looked like...

But this time I completed my test first. So there! Returned to sendah!
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I am a very imperfect person.

Why must I say "very?" Because even "almost perfect" could be considered "imperfect." I wanna make sure I emphasize that "perfect" and "Christopher" are very far apart.

We all have problems. We all make mistakes. We all, from time to time, base our actions and reaction out of emotion instead of rational thought. I am no different, and I have recently been reminded on that. I let my emotions get the best of me, and I wasn't even aware of it. I said some cold words and had some even colder thoughts.

I let some things get to me that shouldn't get to me. I got upset at some things that shouldn't have upset me.

I got angry.

I don't do "angry" much.
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Captain Kirk is the man!
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So, last week, I started the foot work to change my major from Business to English. It's something I had been talking with my parents about since summer. They never liked the idea. They said I was so far in my college education, that I would be better off getting my Business degree, then studying English after. I wasn't down with that.

My adviser and I went over the changes that would be necessary. I learned that if I were to choose Business for my minor, the entire major change would require only 9 credit hours more than my current track! So we started looking at the classes required for English majors...

Useless.

I mean that in all honesty. I don't need, or even want, half of the classes English majors are required to take. And even if I did learn everything I wanted to know, I'd have to find a solid career in English while I worked on getting something published. English degrees are pretty much worthless, unless you want to teach. I quickly realized that majoring in English would be a waste of my time...

Here's where I'm at: I just want to write. I want to create. When I write fiction, people like it. But I never like it. People tell me it's great, but when I'm writing, I feel like I'm operating on a lower level - like I'm working with inferior storytelling skills. I look at the way I word things and they just don't wow me. I don't feel like I paint vivid pictures.

I would love to make a living writing - if I could write what I wanted. Writing in a business setting is downright torturous. I'm using my talent for someone else's profit, like a circus performer. I can't do that for a living.

I'm going to better myself. I will become a better writer. But I'm going to do it my own way. Not by studying 400-year-old books, not through grades and tests. I will not be "classically trained." I'm going to do this myself. I'll study the books I think will help me. I'll make my own writing exercises.

Is that arrogant? Most likely. But I have to do what's right for me. After all, no ones knows what I've got in my head or how I want to present it. It won't be the way Shakespeare did it. It won't be the way Charles Dickens did it. It won't be the way C.S. Lewis did it.

So I'll keep my major. I'll study business. I'll get a job in the "real world." But I will also spend plenty of time in my worlds, the worlds I create, in hope that one day I can share them with the world.


Saturday, November 8, 2008

Nice Guys Finish Last... No Joke?

I'm a real idiot sometimes. Did you know that? I'm waaaaaay too nice. I let a lot of things slide and I decide against doing a lot of things people ought to just let slide.

See I'm a very picky, particular person. Little things bother me. What I find myself doing is putting forth too much effort to prevent putting people through things that don't matter, because I would hate for those things to happen to me. "Do unto others," you know. Except, if controlled what people did to me, they wouldn't have much room to breathe.

A few minutes ago, I needed to get my jacket out of my room, in which my roommate was sleeping. I turned of the light in the room I was in, slowly turned the door handle, eased into the room, Solid Snaked my way to the chair my jacket was in, grabbed my jacket, tip-toed my way out and closed the door - all as quiet as a hamster (which is, in fact, quieter than a mouse). Then I though about all the times I've woken up to the sound of him closing doors when he goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I mean, it's not like he's loud, he just doesn't open a door like he's cracking a safe.

I do things like this all the time. Another scenario: I consider myself a moderately funny guy (other people used to tell I was funny, but I guess I'm slippin'). I make a lot of situational jokes, trying. I don't like the attention, so I usually just tell the closest person. Then they turn around and tell it to someone else and make them laugh. I hate that! Get your own jokes! I should call people on it, but it would embarass the theif.

What am I?!

I pay for not-dates.

I don't tell people when I'm cold in their cars.

I don't brag.


I do for people, too. I think I got that from my mother. When I see someone in need (or just want), I feel for them. When everyone looks around the room thinking "whose gonna do this," I always want to. Even little things, like answering the door. When someone isn't happy, my first instinct is to jump in and interviene. I feel like I have to do somehting. I just don't, sometimes, because I don't want to be labelled as the guy who does the stuff no one wants to. I've managed to get that a bit under control, because I've seen my mother exhaust herself, doing for others. She goes to lengths unseen, to help people. My mother is an angel, seriously. Countless people are better off for knowing her. But somtimes, when she's really been put through the ringer, I don't want that for myself. I don't know how she does it.


I also hear girls don't like it when guys are too nice. They say if I guy does too much for a woman, puts her first all the time or "treats her like a princess," she feels smothered.

Whoops.

No one told me. It's things like that that reinforce my belief that dating is too much of a sport. If you're trying to find someone you love, and that loves you, what's with all of the behaivior modifications?

You can't be too nice, because women feel smothered. You need the girl you like to see you as a challenge. You have treat them like they aren't important. You've got to say things that feel unnatural, do things that feel uncomfortable, and somehow end up with someone who loves you for who you really are.

Everything I'm told sounds retarded.

It all sounds like "Tips for Being a Total Jerk," yet it works for everyone else, and they swear by it. I mean, if it works for everyone, it must be true. Surely I'd be an idiot to pass up such common and tested advice. It's like you have to play the game to win, and I'm disputing the rules. I feel like a fool just for typing it, but what can I say? I just can't bend that far. I can't act so far outside of my personality. I can't go against everything that feels right.

I'm just nice.


Sunday, November 2, 2008

Who Is Chris Williams?

It's a question that's been on my mind since my last post. Today, I decided that perhaps the best way to answer the question is to just sit down and make a list of what makes me who I am. Easier said than done...

Chris Williams is a master procrastinator

Chris Williams listens to music constantly

Chris Williams needs his friends, but he also needs time to himself

Chris Williams shouts for laughs but never out of anger

Chris Williams is often too nice

Chris Williams enjoys doing nothing

Chris Williams wears his heart on his sleeve, but not on purpose

Chris Williams is man of habits

Chris Williams likes routine

Chris Williams doesn't have to win arguments, but he won't quit until you understand his reasoning

Chris Williams dresses for himself. He's not comfortable unless he likes his clothes

Chris Williams has trouble displaying affection

Chris Williams worries to much

Chris Williams doesn't follow sports. He really doesn't care who wins

Chris Williams has a mind that's always working. He tends to be less observant of his surroundings
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And, as you know, I can't stay on just one topic.

I would give anything to see myself through the eyes of others. I would love to know exactly what other people think of me. Why? Because I. Cant. Tell. If there's anything in the world I can't do, it's read people. I care what people think of me, and nothing is more uncomfortable than to look right into someone's eyes and not have the slightest clue what's going on behind them. Perhaps I'm just insecure... Ha! As if there was ever any doubt.
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In the back of my mind, I've always have big hopes for my future. I've had the same image of my future in mind for years. My family, my house, my success - I can picture it all. My ideal future. That image hasn't changed in years, but what has changed is my position in the time. My 22nd birthday is just a couple months away. It's easy to look at the future optimistically and tell yourself that it will be happy and bright. But that all changes when you realize that it's time to start building that future. It turns from a dream to a goal, from anticipation to expectation.
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I'm writing the sickest story, right now. I can't wait to show it to you guys.